My love, Self-denial is a game Because i have learned that love is beyond CHORUS: My love because i have learned that love is a Would you be there to love me? -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Its strange i never would’ve
Wanted if until there was you.
What human can imagine,
The more it clears
The more i have to let you go.
But now i don’t understand why im feeling
So bad now when i know it was my idea.
I could’ve just denied the truth and lied.
But why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I never have to if all else fail
When all else fail,
Would you be brave to see right through me?
FROM YOU TO ME...:
Well I was there on the day they sold the cause for the queen
And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen
I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene
It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, "you won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops
We laughed so hard it would sting
Yeah yeah, oh
If i'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (all night long, all night long)
And will it matter after I'm gone?
Because you never learned a god damned thing
You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you
I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on tv
Bring out the old guillotine
We'll show 'em what we all mean
Yeah yeah, oh
If i'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (all night long, all night long)
Now will it matter long after I'm gone
Because you never learned a god damned thing
You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you
So go, go away, just go, run away.
Now where did you run to?
And where did you hide?
Go find another way
Price you pay
Woah oh, Woah oh...
You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you, come on
You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you
At all
At all
At all
At all
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
-You dont even noe the meaning of the werds im sorry, u said u wld love me until u die, as far as i noe, ur still alive..-
-Shakira-
Im back...its bn 2 wks now..honestly bn putting off everything n concentrating on my self theraphy...
evrsince i got back, the toilet's like my second home..i donnoe wads up wit my tummy but..thats juz the way it is..
==========================================
I ve bn doin lots of thinking on stuff...stuff thats bn happenin to me this yr... from school and work and examz n friends...it hasnt bn easy..but it hasnt bn all bad too... although i wish i could have done certain things differently i noe it all happened fer a reason..not neccessarily a blessing...but the reasons were all well, good.
Sometimes, i wonder wad lies ahead of me...time has passed so quickly that i realised im actually running out of it. Dreams n goals not fulfilled, the timing just feels so off.
Im not actually getting any younger...according to plan im supposed to get married in 5 yrs time....but now, i donnoe...i don even noe if i wanna get married..
heh..i cant believe im actually toking bout marriage...-end-
Life dont actually gets easy...well,nobody said it would. Im not sayin i live a hard life..but maybe im just makin it harder for myself.
over the yrs, i actually catch myself not having the same outlook on life i promised i ll stick to.
it just gets harder...
n harder...
n harder..
Untill one day, i decide
ill just snap..
n be on my own again...
no, i cant let that happen...
but then again...i might just...
-paradox-
There are reasons fer wad i did... it wasnt some vile attempt or accomplishment..it was innocence you noe...-matchbok romance- A few more hours n im off to Bali...wasnt really looking forward to this thing..reite from the beginning i kinda knew i was gettin myself into more stress then sleeping through school. but hey...an oppotunity to get outa the house..hell! y not?.. I wasnt really into packing n stuff....so i was putting it off through the last wee hours of the morning of my escapade..but no...i just couldnt. Yeah she brought me through the whole packing thing..no she didnt packed..she was naggin all the way..it was just sooo tiring to hear...sooo frustrating...sooo irritating.....am still putting it off...i just love procrastinating..im sooo not da prepared type of person...i just..i guess i was just not really looking forward to this? i suppose soo.. Tots not sending me off..yah i noe ur geting back at me coz i dint send you off...but yeah wadever...u got ur dikir thing n papaz all tite wt petrol...im just sooo sick of it! but ill miss you...i promise. Its heartaching leaving home n my family like this..i noe its just fer a week..shez scoldin me..aint happy at all...but wad do you want me to do....im tired..ive got no money..n ur not giveing me a break..n i love my stuff....i just cant find the time to get to it rite ...rite now..let me just figure out my life here fer a sec.pls. It aint fun leaving fer a trip feeling n looking ike shit! its just not gonna make anything good outta the trip... is it too late to..umm...back out...? THESE daes i just feel im not strong enough to do anything ... mentally and emotionally.i screwed my test..n i didnt care...id rather not noe how i do. i almost screwed skool......almost didnt care.... wad issit wit me..? i donnot noe... its bad..rite? the worst thing about all of this is.... i knew none of it was good fer me. c ya in a weekkk............. -paradox-
They're all asleepThey'll never knowWe'll escape through your windowWhen they're onto usBut this time is oursThere are reasons for what I didIt wasn't some vile attempt or accomplishmentIt was innocent you knowLa, ladada, lada, ladada, lada, ladada, lalaNurse, something for the painSomething to make this guilt go awayYou're forgetting usYou're forgetting everythingAnd I wanna hate you for my mistakesI hate you for everythingThis is goodbye, this is alwaysWe're covering up our tracksAnd living in secretsWe can learn to love lifeOr learn to love painAnd if you still hear my voiceGive me a sign, and let me knowYou're still here like it or notBut wait, what do we have here?Who's that dress for?Let's keep toasting to innocenceAnd drown our regretLet's have no recollection of any of thisDon't wait up for meWell I'll be taking swings at a ghost while you're laying downPlaying dead right in front of meWe're covering up our tracksAnd living in secretsWe can learn to love lifeOr learn to love painAnd if you still hear my voiceGive me a sign, let me knowYou're still here like it or notLike it or notMy heart beat was louder thanThe sound of my steps to your doorYou're cold, but you're beautifulYou're a mess, but I like it that wayI'm a fool, but only a fool knows a miracleAnd I won't ask for anything No, I won't ask for anything ever againJust give me this one thing, that's all I askWell that's all I askDon't wait up for meWell I'll be taking swings at a ghost while you're laying downPlaying dead right in front of meWe're covering up our tracksAnd living in secretsWe can learn to love lifeOr learn to love painAnd if you still hear my voiceGive me a sign, let me knowYou're still here like it or notLike it or not---------------------------------------------------------MATCHBOOK ROMANCE-
YOU WERE ALWAYS BY MY SIDE
THAT YOU BELIEVED IN ME
WAS ENOUGH REASON WHY
I DIDN’T STOP
DIDN’T GIVE UP
EVEN IF I SOMETIMES LOST HOPE
I DID MY BEST
N I AM BLESSED IN LIFE-Katherine mcphee- It was kinda an inspiring dae... funny how im not missing tot..prolly its da school n werk...-good- STILLL NOT OVER DA AYAM MAGGI!!================================= finally i got to reach out to my T!happy............................................................................ Bb slept w/o kollig me......thankz but slip lah slip lah!!!! ---------------------------------------- STILL donoe wad bank im suppose to do....oub uob or ocbc?? Ahfattt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pLayed scissrs paper stone wit fatt to dae...got bored during bc...So we played n hit da hell outta each others hand..by lunch time we both had sore hands..Red..but were still not over da knuckle game...hahah!! love hurting him...! he hurting me is ABUSIVE!!! MUahahahahahhah... funny how jacq only spoke to me about Ipod n Zouk Out... Hard time durin Acg todae.. Eve cried....stressed... fatt stressed coz i was asking too much... i was .....not stressed juz utteredly confused... ppl were quite PEK CHEK wit me todae.. but WDH!!!============================================== MITTING JOHN TOM.. no cuzziez outing dis month! COZ IM BROKE!!!! --------------------------- NOT GONNA GO FOR PGL.. MOKS GOING...SHE ASKED TO A MOVIE... HEARTACHE... WERKING DIS SAT... ======================== MY NYTE ENDED PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS: "BOB THE BUILDER..... HAN! TINGGAL MANER? sINGAPORE... iYER ...... Kau tinggal maner? Singapore jugak.?? takllah...aku tinggal kat Spain.aku kan NADIA BELLUCI... HUAKAKKAK!! kau nak tau namer aku aper..Bob Alonso.... wkakakak.... AKU FIRHANDO..... ah bleh lah tu..... bob kau neighbour aku kan..... ahhh....yerlah... klah BYE!!!! 2 GUYS HEAD TO DA TOILET..THE GIRL HEAD TO DA CARPARK... ILL MISS THEM.... ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
WEN YOU GO, WOUD YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY, I DONT LOVE YOU LIKE I DID YESTERDAY...?-MCR- Its bn17 hrs since he went....TO CAMBODIA.. hope u have fun! have fun lah ehh!!Thankz arr eh!!Tinggal kan maggi ayam punyer!bagos!da tau aku tak suker ayam!tinggal kan lah curry nyer! eh papa kasi duit?hahha..................................................... Its bn another long winding day...though not dat tiring.. but still i wished it could have bn a better day...or rather well used.. Today i realised....why i chose to werk...its tat i needed to..but bcoz.i wanted too... Werd is..im transferring back to forum...if not..ill just sae bye bye to SECRET RECEPI..aft 7 mths....im getting tired of ur crap oready...my crap..evrybody else's crap.. so...ill go...but.. if onli i cant go back to forum...---------------------------------------------------------- schoolz bn thru alot wit me...wathcin me die.from bein that hype up monitress..toda typical slacker,school 'TRUANTEE' received 2 warning letters da ferst term... leaving fer bali on da last week of school fer term 2... so......another letter? yeah watever.....huh...=============================================== Getting sick of my daily routine...need to do something...pick up a hobby or habit a new language? new boyfriend? new job? nah.......... make more moneyFOR... S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! should i?could i? i SHALL........++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TOT!DON COME BACK EMPTY HANDED!!! OR ILL SEND YOU BACK TO CAMBODIA ON THE NEXT FLIGHT TO GO GET MY ~~~~"THANG"~~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------
disini kau dan aku
terbiasa bersama menjalani kasih sayang bahagia ku denganmu
pernahkah kau menguntai hari paling indah ku ukir nama kita berdua disini surga kita
bila kita mencintai yg lain mungkin kah hati ini akan tegar sebisa mungkin tak akan pernah sayang ku akan hilang
if u love somebody could we be this strong i will fight to win our love will conquer all wouldn’t reach my love even just one night our love will stay in my heart ...my heart
-MY HEART- The past week's Events:HUNG OUT WIT FATTHari RayaGrandpa Passed awayOfficial oppening of SR in Vivo1 GREAT SUNDAY.... HEY U...I MISS YOU...
About a yr ago...i met a really sweet guy.....But hez gone now...ill miss him though...-paradoxical- Ever felt cheated? What is that feeling? being cheated? Is it a good thing..? Or is it just an excuse created to defend oneself? Its a cliche thing i suppose...being cheated..by your surroundings.by someone u thought u knew...wel.. it happens...it really happens...prolly fer a reason..or pfer all the obvious reason...maybe... fer the best of reasons... ITs a stuck feeling there...thats inevitably delirious..especiallywen you tot u have always been so true to urself..n u got cheated......its stuck there.. contemplating, reluctant,thinking twice....have its consequences.. I state my case.....I love you..but ur not the person i fell in love with..prolly... ur just being u...but to an extent i feel cheated coz, i never thought u would ever change..But why am i not surprise...PEOPLE CHANGE...
I JUZ DONT LOVE YOU NO MORE!!-PARADOX- i remembered the ferst note i wrote to you as a kid..now read my last... wtH!! why R YOU TREATIN ME LIKE a freaking 9 yr Old!!I Hate you!!Whyd you gotta farkin kick me!!I hate you!!!I didnt ASK YOU TO BUY ALL THOSE CLOthes!!!I HATE YOU!!!it was comFortable you BITCH!!!i HATE YOU!!!i hONESTLY tHOUGHT YOU HAD CHanged!!!I HATE YOU!!!i hate you!!!i don wan you in my life!!!Call ME ANYTING yOU WANT i DONT fREAKING care no more!!!I DON CARE BOUT YOU ANYMORE!!!I DON WANNA CARE!!!and im not gonna try ANYMORE!!!UR non-exixtence means nothing to me..I HATE YOU...N READ TIS FER THE LAST TIME...COZ ITS THE LAZ TIME ...IM EVER CALLING YOUmomI HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!to death!!
I TRIED TO CURE MY PAIN BUT ONLY BROUGHT MORE..SO MUCH MORE..
-Evanessence-
-paradox-
I wish i could remember the the times when i felt real bliss n happiness in my life. As life goes on..it juz gets more complicated...n it lets down a part of me slowly die..every single day... can we work it out? can i werk myself out?...
n now.....Not even i can answer that...
Not even anything.......
-paradox-
What a ball of a hEll Of A wEEK iT waS...
-pARADOX-
Baybeats was on its wae...i was on its doorstep..i wouldnt leave without knocking,or a peep...so i snuck out...n took a little peep too many..
-heez-
Im gonna go enroll fer my license...its horrible havin to take da train or bus to school!!! aarrghh~~
have to get it!!aarhhg
Tired..really tiredd....REALLy TIRED.........
PROJECT...GEEZ...
A/C...GEEZ...
LIFE....WEEZ....GEEZ..
WERK.....GEEZZZZZ...
PARADOXICALPARADOXICALPARADOXICALPARADOXICALPARADOXICALPARADOXIC
lIFE'S A paradox u noe...its like a...like a...
like me..
...................................
atleast my life is.
-paradoxical-
I cant keep on loving you one foot outside the door....-paradoxical- Have you ever been in a situation when you think you noe someone very well, but in actual fact you noe dat da person may have more then what meets the eye...yeahp dats exactly how im feelin towards you...yeah u..... Its a lost feeling that you cannot describe..unless u feel it urself. You feel like ur just getting to noe dat someone like hez someone new...ur thinking to urself..like..'was he ever like dis...'? it questions me not only in my thoughts..but in my heart. It puts me in a very difficult situation wen it comes to the final evaluation coz i wont noe if its da same person that i WANTED to be with....that im going to be with fer the rest of my life?..does this make any sense? nvm.. But you noe...sometimes a change is good..some changes are great while some are for the better....i just hope its all fer the best...amin...-end- ITALY VS FRANCE!!!! France shall be the glorious winner of the World Cup 2006...i noe it..i just have it in my guts....i love..my instincts...muackz baby..-end- Project!! gee weez...-end- i miss fatt......wen gonna date wit me!!!!???-end- bb.....honestly...don be to cute pls....its almost like sissified..sori...but its from the heart...heez...~~~`-end- IS It ok fer me to be alone..fer awhile to achieve my dreams....to find myself...to just live my life....to just let me be myself on my own......can you just let me find my own independance..just let me get my amounted freedom that i noe i could get on my own....can you just let me be me... i guess not...-end- See..i had this dream that i was going to be this great gerl wit a great life...but things took a turn..and now all ive really got is me, myself n i..n god... But i feel that ive gone too far..too far from god... I HOPE to just get back on track..... n not fell lost once again..-end- -PARADOXICAL-
I could live wit a change...some change it was..but wad da hell.i love it..
-paradox-
It felt weird at first...scary...a little..but it was great....totally different like wen u're sitting in car quietly..tuning on the music..n oblivious to ur surroundings.. for the first time...i felt i was moving...hahah...
The first ride from forum to centrepoint was weird..hahha..fer all the obvious reasons..it was wit wee n ...i didnt even noe where to hold him..so i just hold him by the shoulder n figured it was ok rite??Thanks to my straight thinking..i got labelled a 'malaysian' THANKZ ALOOTT!!..how was i supposed to know...it was my first time..
The bike was ok.....an RXZ..kinda small but it was a fun ride.....THANKZ WEE WEE!!!!!
The next ride was from centrepoint to home...OMG!!!OMG!!!that was great...haha.first it was on a slightly bigger bike..an SP....n it wasnt weird...only a little scary coz the one manouvering the bike was a PETiTE little gerl...WAD WAS I to think..but i did not under estimate her abilities....
The ride felt smoother...we were zoming across the road an in between stationary cars.....HAHHA!! i donnoe why but even as i am typing..I could still feel the vibration of the bike...hahahizz..IT WAS COOL.... my first experience.......Im in love wit it...i love it...
BB don be pressured into getting a bike..im not forcing you...coz ive got nano n wee wee!!! hahha!!!haizz...i love you guys....i juz love you guys ALOOT!!!!!
Thankz fer that once in a lifetime experience......i'll remember it forever.......i love you guys.
-paradoxical-
Like Hadi Said...IF I STOP LYING..I'D JUST DISAPPOINT YOU...
-Paradoxical-
I am going to make the biggest confession about myself....u might not expect it from me..
-This is me-
I used to be once a very fullfilling person.I appreciate evrything thats good in my life..i was willing to forgive..though not always forget....i admit it im only human...I was happy and contented with my way of life...It was there..up there..yes i was happy...Very happy...
Then i fell in love...
My first love, at such a tender age...it didnt mean anything...it was him n me..it was us..he showed it all to me..the true meaning of love..the care that love brings..you....i will never forget...
But you left...
n didnt showed me anything..no signs, no clues, no warnings..you went..n let me fell. I dragged along on you..hoping and wishing u'd come back...u didnt and all i could do was cry..n i promised myself..you were my last cry.
Everything had to move...things had to go on...i learned fro all my downfalls...it was that stage i learned to open up..n be accepted..i was changing...evolving to someone i knew i could never be...but i did..but its hidden..no one noes...but myself.n god..
My Social Peak...
I was 17 going on 18...i changed ..hell yeah i did..no biggie..afterall.ppl change...i was me yet i wasn't. i dont noe how to put it..but that was it...my social circle was expanded...i lived my life with ful of carelessness.i didnt mind it so long as i enjoyed it.....
My first Hard Crush...
You..yeah..u noe hu u are...i tot i loved u...u tot u loved me..we tot wrong...u were there fer me at the right time..n so was i..we were coincidental lovers...We never expected anything to happen..it was an opposite attraction...so strong..not even i can put you down..not even you...and everyone knew..all saw in disbelief...but we didnt care....Afterall, we were more then just frenz..yet not lovers....
Once again..you left......i was devastated...i didnt noe why.but i know that just one day ill get through it....it was todae..3rd July 2006...2 years later....but noe dear..i hadnt laughed at us back then i just smiled n tot it was beautiful...it was..i swear..
i'll continue......
-paradoxical-
-Had a sucky..confusin' dae...blahh!!-
-paradoxical-
It is officially da HOLZ.....im plannin to werk...n werk..hmm..werk ...n werkk..erm did i mention werk? yeah..n werk...
haiz..welcome to my life.
-end-
Fatt's bdae juz passed..happy 19..blahh.!
-end-
Its time like this is wen u miss everyone else..frenz...ur enemies ur classromm..ur teachers...ur mates..ur idiotic noisy peeps....plus those irritatin petty ones...hekz...For all the good things in life that u take fer granted...its regretted wen ur all alone..trying to be a grown up.wen u noe ur not gettin any younger but then u don wanna be old...n you juz gotta live wit it..put ur mind to it..bear wit it...be it.Is tt a good or a bad thing...i think i'll let it ponder fer now..
All this tyme.lookin fer the perfect fren...or perfect sumone..made me realise..life is pretty weird
wen ur lookin noone's der..but wen ur not..everyone comes..its mad..u think ur able to grasp ur fate..but u noe its not up to u..circumstances leads to consequences..n blahhh...arrghh!!
-end-
-paradoxical-
WHO IS DA ONE? HOW DO YOU NOE..WLL YOU EVER?
-PARADOXICAL-
Things i do for the ppl i care....even scrutinizing my blardy self...haiz...-Paradoxical- SERI ASKED me to do this self reflecting excercise.....N I WAS FREE...BUT AT KENG FATT'S EXPENSE..HAHA!!ka....here me goes.. 7 RANDOM FACTS BOUT ME:I'm a...-Contradicting person (mostly in a good wae)-Impatient -Stubborn-Strong Willed-Determined-LOVES Bullying Keng Fatt..(made him pay attention in OA lesson so i can do this..)-Paradoxed 7 THINGS DAT SCARES ME:They are...-Lying to myself-Losing my Dad'z Thumbdrive(Seri....monster ehh..hehe)-Losing my faith n conviction-Losing BB MON2-Losing my family esp. Shaakir Adam -ROACHES (despise it!!)-Any weird Insects 7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT:LOVE!!!!:-I Wont See You Tonite - Avenged Sevenfold-Hips Dont Lie-Shakira-Let u Go -Ashley Parker-M.I.A - Avenged Sevenfold-Which to bury us or the Hatchet - Relient K-My Own Summer - Deftones-Beating Heart Baby - Head Automatica 7 THINGS I LIKE MOST:MY DARLZ...-MY Digi Video Cam-My MP3-My 6610 fon-SUSHI-Secret Recipe's Cakes-BB''z ipod nano-$$$$$$$$$$ MONEY!!! 7 THING I SAE THE MOST:WELL...-F**K AR!!!(.......)-NABE!!(HEHE!!)-SHUDDUP ARR!-WAD GOES AROUND COMES AROUND-NI DAH KENAPER NIE-YOU WANT TO DIE RITE-HEN REN 7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS:-TOT-AISHAH-ICA-FIZAH-HADI GODI-KAK SITI-BB (HAHA!!) Alahai......step rajin gitu org2 nie semuer nak layan aku...WTF PPL.....ENJOY ........ -PARADOXICAL-
Hi...Juz droppin by to sae..ur beautiful..-Paradoxical- You noe something bout life...yeah..we all think we know..but actually...i feel that there is more that life can offer to you than you think. Who noes wad the dark and mysterious side of life can show u..u'll have the time of your life. Life doesnt give you the fulfilment that you should have..in fact..its the opposite..u give ur live the fulfilment it should get.. its up to you to make ur life worth it.. When i was younger..ard 14 or 15...i had an older brother whom i tot was getting it all fer him..he has evrything and anything.. well, i was of coz having the middle child syndrome..my younger bro..was getting to live his way as well, all he had to do was moan n groan...sulk fer a few daes and he got it..wadever he wanted..n i was..left out..without anything..or so i thought.. At that point i decided that i should get anything that i want by myself...i learnt to be independant..i wasnt well liked by some...but i had my own personality..but generally..im nice:)I lived my life by the rules that was set fer me...twisting and bending some of it at my own expence..and learnt abit of manipulation techniques. To survive on my own i mean socially..i was depending on friends and outsiders.. to set a role model for me..it was up to me to choose..it was all in my hands. At that point of time, i wasnt all thick wit my mom at all.. it was easy to make her an enemy at that time..and all she had to do was complained to my elder bro...my bro wouldnt do anything bout it...it wasnt her..it was me..i just couldnt stand it wen my mom alwaez tokz bout my bro..telling me to be all that i don wanna..and do all that i cant..n i found myself to be way out of her league... but i knew she cared n meant well...but i just didnt care...it was pride or ego...i dont know..perhaps both.....maybe i was an egoistic lil' brat. So things happened .... things had to change...i was more matured..and i realised that all that happened..happened fer a reason...it was a time fer me to learn from all of it.. i learnt to be sincere, and truthful..love and feel for my loved ones.. The jealousy is gone..the ego lingering...the pride...stays..unfortunately...but thats me... -welcome to my life--paradoxical-
Ouuhhh.. BORRIINNGG....DAEEE...OH WELL..2 MORE YEARS BABY..2 MORE YEARS..-PARADOXICAL- 'TOGGLE THE OVR ON....YOU ARE IN THE INSERT MODE....MEANIG DAT WORDS THAT YOU TYPE WILL BE TAKEN UP ....1 TO 1 EXCHANGE...OVR STANDS FOR OVERWRIGHT' BAAHHHHH....YAHWWWAANNNNZZZZ...Boring sia my OA lesseon..stuck wit this one teacher whoze so full of himself..bahh!-end- I was blog hoppin..from T'z to Tot to Tique..and i was just getting soo..pathetic..haizz...IM so keen on doing my work but now im stuck here..learning some bad ass tricks thats well like kinda useless...but he soooo claim fer it to be usefull..haiizz..-end- Nano got the job..haha..now all 3 of us are werkin under one roof...well..yest i went down to forum..saw all my peeps..a few was okie..some were well..funny...but heyy..wth..hehez..-end- I love my life...i love my life too....n i mean it from da bottom of my freakin' heart!-paradoxical-
I didnt sae i hate you...hu saed soo? u assumed didnt ya? wow..ur gettin betta at this..
-paradoxical-
Look, dudette.....i didnt sae i hate you..nor do i..you noe at times...wen u noe how much someone you care juz hogs on somethin' for too long...u thinkin' oooohhh give it up...she aint gonna care.. but he didnt, he still hogs up on it hes still hoping, wishin...upon nothing...it just gets bad on you. But den one dae, hez all smiley...n happy...exhilarated n evrything cool in the world u go like..she do care after alll.... well, the happiest day of my life. you noe dat feelin gerl? get the idea? im sure u do..
Alryte, i apologise fer callin you an insecured lil' ************ i dont even noe wad it stands for...i was juz hopin it looked bad..well, definitely it did n ur mad...well, i didnt mean to hurt you...i was just angry..disappointed to an extent....my dude(tot)...his actually a simple guy...n god..he listens to you... so wads the problem...Some messagin' thing? Gerl...u gotta see beyond that...well, prolly he lied to you? maebe u think u deserve better than this...but did you gave it a chance?
look chika...wads the real deal here...im sure theres more than juz this messagin thin' wit dat other gerl... waddup... cmon'..fill me in..
BUT THOUGH I SAID HE'S MOVED ON...if you really noe him..then only you wil noe...
patience is virtue...n so was his... he deserved better..
-paradoxical-
-paradoxica-l
Guess im wishin my life away...with these things i'll never sae...
-PaRadOXiCal-
These few daes had been a pretty interestin' journey..well, to an extent kinda childish..but...hey, it aint' anithin' concernin' me...so ..WTF~
Tot, keep it up..don lie to urself..u don wan dat kinda chika..besides one of ur gd friend's tryin to hit on her so... Let it all go..... DON BE oblivious bout it..i noe u noe wat i noe...
Caught nano tryin on a bike...hahahkkz..da bike was freakily..tooo high fer her..yet shez still like i don care n i want it...oh well..nano...nano..be happy babe..
Bee had a last minute gig todae...haiiizz..tooo laz minute..cant go. do well mon..luvvie..
Me n mum kinda bondin like we never did could..we used to hate each other's guts back then but as things got worst fer a reason...we got better wit each other..dad..oh well..our dna matches n the blood type's da same....but the love is der..
Chaakkkkiiirrrr!!!!!!!!! HE learnt to wave......he put his hands to his front n started rotatin' his wrist...hes such an adorable babyyy....he went nuts over muh mumz sewin machin..n went divin fer the floor twice this week wit me n mom bein juz on time b4 his head went inches b4 da floor.. scaryy....but his cute...cant stand it...but i sooooo looovveee himmm..MUaXKCZZZ..!
Me n tot almost went bezerk tokkin bout all the things dat happened.....well..atleast hez movin on...livin it as usual...n fergettin dat unsecured lil' *************** watevr it is... i sure see his gettin better at the drums..heyeyyyy.....go do it properly n as gd or even better than zal aite....
-end-
Why the hell you gotta make things so complicated..u sure missed me like a HOLE in da head!!!
-paradoxical-
I havent seen him smile till he known of ur existence...
i've seen his determination died...since you left..
-Paradox-
I WAs almost dead beat wen i got home...i wnt in to muh broz room, tot everything was cool n he was sleepin as usual...So i jz went like ...'aakkkmmaalll'... n left.
He asked if mom n dad was home so i checked n nope, theyre not, informed him n asked him where'd dey went? he said in a sobbin' voice 'gi makan'..i was shocked..is dat muh bro crying?? so i persisted on him......but he just wont budge..he wont sae anythin...isnt muh bro juz weird....he just went like ' kluar lah non bsok amal nak skolah'.... but i think i could almost guessed wad happened...THOUGH...i shall not jump to conclusion...
well, all i can sae my bro...this isnt the first time, ur more matured now...eventhough as ur sis i feel a need to protect you...but i shall be rational n leave u ur space.....eventhough she loves you...but not as much as i love you...as we all do...ur not at a loosin end...be strong...this is only a phase that all teenagers must experience.
It hurts me to c u cry,
but i noe u'll make it tru,
eventhough it hurts a thousand times,
it isnt worth a single dime,
Not a single hate, not a single regret
though it is all
a little too late.
TOT.....dont cry....it hurts...but itll past...i promise...trust me, ive been burn...Hey if it helps...uve got ME..! N ur line comin...TC...
-Paradoxical-
I ve asked myself, what will i do wen the only person hu can make me stop crying is the one hu makes me cry...
Now, its ur turn...what'll u do?
A Wish is incomplete without a dream..and a dream is incomplete without a desire...
-Paradoxical-
I Wish....i had the best Lappy....but i dont.
-end-
Is it good wishing fer things? i mean is it healthy? does it bring any good to you...or does it bring any bad C-O-N-S-E-Q-U-E-N-C-E-S.... yeap...thats the word...
Lets see....you wished...you desired...you dream....you worked fer it....you still dont have it..the ultimate outcome of that is youre gonna land yourself down with a heavy thump from the 25 TH FLOOR!!!...I sae...isnt it a good thing...well...not working... so fuck wit that dream.
The good thing is that...youre able to visualise....plan ahead....and S-T-R-A-T-E-R-G-I-S-E..YEAP..THATS THE WORD... your ass through your dream..just to find out that its a Drift at the end of the road!!! Well, im awfullly Pessimistic tonyte...prolly from all the lack of sleep and seriously shortage of cash....HMPH.....
-END-
-PaRaDoxIcAl-
I juz knew...n im sorry....you guys were a role model..
-paradoxical-
Its juz sad..im so sad...t dampened my spirits to express my thoughts...it juz..gets worst...first was dan n liza now its kak cda n yan....YYYY!!!! my frenz....it hurts..wen im happy...n you guys are falling...ill fall too with you...
Ill always love you guys...wit or without each other....
-Paradoxical-
heyyy....heyyyyyahhh....-paradoxical- My life begins in approximately 48 hours..Yes..my bdae is comin...im..well kinda gracious bout not receiving any wishes or gifts or surprises on dat dae...kinda prepared fer it..coz frenz..aernt the old frenz..ya noe..-end- I had a pretty stressed up morning todae...had to do P&L in the morning i almost bust my brainz out...yes..im exagerating..but...it kinda feels like dat..i still gotta do my BRS n CA/C.....HIAKKKZZZ...!hmmm..-end- Its da ferst dae of internship fer bb. hiakzz... kESian...he gotta lotsa shit to do..haiz..honey, welcome to the working world.!-end- Ive begin to start a new chapter of my life..socially. looking forward to having new friends..I guess, i just didnt find my fair share of whom some would say best friend in the skool...its pretty heartening, but its all fer a good reason...i wouldnt have gotten a place in h nitec if i had friends to call on me to skip classes...hahah..Bt its The THRILL....im alwaes absent upon reasons..kinda boring to think im sorta responsible but honestly, my life is a paradox. -do not judge me wen you dont noe wad paradox means--don judge me wen you dont noe my story--don judge me wen you dont noe my life--I dont stand up to pathetic Vendettas--i just sleep on it--but then again, im paradox, remember?- -PaRaDoXiCaL-
Is it a waste..or just my extra living space?...
-Paradoxical-
So its been like a week since the last family get together...And we were all bumped up in our lives.For instance, mom was busy wit housewerk cleanin wit al her might b4 shaakir comes, dad was bz helping out and at some point stealin a nap..me..im bz running away from any responsiblities that has to do wit housewerk...:)...my bro..lets see wad was the last time i saw him doin? watchin soccer?..or was it the soccer match on his computer...or macritchie..or another soccer match? i noe..he gotta get a life rite..So my bro n sis in law and shaak came over and were all like hey 'hi..howz da week'..i promise you that whole conversation was utterly dull. Then the soccer match begins, it was liverpool and newcastle so it was a must watch..my two bros were sighing, shouting,oooooohing, and booing...wen all of sudden, my dad striked up a conversation bout the Weather..
N..BOOM!! it was a real conversation in the first half n hour that they set foot in to da hse.HOW lame things could just be so...well...intersting i shoul say...oR RATher..my dadz a pretty sagacious guy wen it comes to striking a conversation..well..it pretty much runs in the family..
-paradoxical-
Everydae, i c u with a heavy heart...wen its over, i feel free once again...and dread for tomorrow to come..and once again estatic at the exit..-paradox-
MY IRONY, MY LIFE, MYSELF,MY LOVE-Paradox- THere are alwaes things in life that you plan, but not alwaes all goes the wae you want it to be, in other words, none of it can be perfect. So when i tried making my life perfect, i figured that i was struggling to fight the nature or facts of life. Which of coz is the included equation of everything we do. To not expect anything or everything for that matter to be perfect. My subject, my irony, pROVES THAT things alwaes dont go as i planned it to be. For instance, my plan was to be in poly by this yr, still, i find my self stuck here, which is not a bad thing, considering where it will or may take me to..Im not complaining, its just that i expect too much. I was taught to have high expectations and live it high..no matter how long its gonna take, my family are all soo supportive. But sometimes, well, most times for me...i just cant have enough...its like you want the moon but earth is all you will ever have kinda feeling. I do get frustrated at times but sometimes i just go like 'yadiyai....f u..' U noe wat im saying. Well, i guess lesson learnt here is that, Thou shalt not keep ones expectations high, For if thou shalt fall, it will hurt deeply. -paradoxical-
I had a dream when i was young, that my life was going to be a fairytale.... Or not....-Paradoxical-Im sure we've all had a sudden realisation of a great fairytale, that sweeps you off your feet and sends you flying to the heavens.....BULLSHIT...Snap out of it..i do not get the idea of potraying such a scene when you know that nothing could ever be perfect... Nothing. Not even 'the' perfect person that you think you know to be perfect.But somehow, you just cant help yourself...you keep on falling into the same realm just to escape the painful reality without yourself realising, the path you've decided to choose, the minute, you decided to compromise your heart. You thought youre doing the right thing,eventhough you know along the wae theres gonna be some regret or a whole load of it.. But it just feels so wrong to be true to yourself at the expenseof breaking someone else's heart that you noe loves you so dearly. You could only pray that that person would realise it on his own accord and let you go...willingly...painfully but sincerely...NOT GONNA HAPPEN...Lets face it, everyone is just too caught up in their own desires and selfishness that even affairs of the heart has become something superficial and full of pathetic vendettas that revives from something evil...or their own lack of sensitivity...I love romantic movies and i admit that i do hope to get sweeped off my feet by a gorgeous guy hu'll love you fer everything that you are and let myself be indulged sinfully to the depth of romance where ill get disappointed the minute i snap myself back to reality. However the paradox here is that, your reality is what that has been planned for you by god. And its your destiny. You cant change your destiny becoz god noes that its the best for you.I have tried to build my own fairytale, but i ended up being thrown to the dungeon where evil will win over good andso i have decided to settle for a commoner, hull appreciate me, and shown me the real meaning of true love. But i have to instill patience to myself for i had started out impatiently. N now i ve ran outta time for i am halfwae up the dungeon... only now, there is no turning back. . i m looking for a way out, a trace of sunshine...a ray of hope, a light of love.......From my self...Im so hollow baby, im so hollow..I donnoe wad went rong, but somewhere down the road, i noe ill lear from it but rite now im just dumbfounded and dragged in by my conscience and guilt..-Paradoxical-
A friend, a pillar of strength, the one i bare all to, the one that will always do.-end- I woke up and realised im in a different land, no, i didnt ask to be here but somehow...i feel safe.. im not scared...not the least bit afraid. So, u make me feel good bout myself, but so what? i have someone hu'll love me till the end. I never thought that you could be or would be... hmm..can you? I donnoe, never gave you a chance. But you always change my life, A little or in a way you always leave stains on me, strange enough i could never get them off maybe, i just dont want to be off. I missed you, really i do. i promise you that ill never stop, ill never stop till i find out the real me. -Paradoxical-
I hate myself.....just bcoz i don want to hate others..
-paradoxical-
FUCK YOU!!!
Thats exactly how im feeling rite now-FUCK OFF!
She would live a day, just by looking in his eyes, kiss him on the forhead and tell him, hez the most beautiful baby that anyone could ever have.
-Paradoxical-
Shes feeling so odd, she cant help but think to herself, will he always be around for her. He wont, he'll grow and probably won't remember you at all. I know thats a risk i will have to take...but i will always, always love you. Eventhough, the day would come when you wont event remember that i was the one who hugged you tight when you were scared and ran to the kitchen back and forth just so you would stop crying, carry you in my arms eventhough you weight 10 thousand times heavier than yesterday.
IF i could be so attached to you...i wonder what your mother would ever do without you...
When you sleep, you look like an angel, and when you wake ur the sunshine of our hearts. With your laughter...itll just make anyone's day.. With that shine in your eyes...and the scream of eagerness..you never fail to put a smile on my face.
You know ur loved..and we will always let you see that. Becoz we will alwayz let you c dat ur our baby...i love you...
I am byfar, the unhappiest person ever lived todae...i dont care if its unfair or sellfish.
-Paradoxical-
I spent 1/4 of the dae sleeping, another quarter babysitting and the other quarter fixing my educational path. But i just don understand why...! .... i HATE MYSELF.. What is wrong of wanting a change in what i want. what is wrong in wanting to do things differently..i so do not have to go by the traditional way of going thru 3 years to get my DIP. I JUST CANT UNDERSTAND why... I have to go the LONG ROUTE while EVERYONE ELSE! and i mean everyone else AROUND ME! Doesnt have to!! i still hate myself. Just because im a little stupidier than everyone else dosnt mean i have to go thru what other people like me went thru.
-end-
She closed her eyes and tried to breathe, She choked and felt a tear drop to her finger. She tried to smile, but her eyes just wouldnt lie. She cried and cried but her ego just wont budge. Shez dying to prove, what ever man can do, a woman can do it better... She felt ridiculed by the thought but was strong enough to pick up her pride. She will learn not to take anyone's orders anymore...a tinge of guilt appeared and her conscience was a stir. She breathed in again..and tried to smile, she cried so hard that it broke her heart. Shez just a paradoxicated little girl inside. She looked up again, and believed, that she can do anything...anything.
-end-
-PARADOXICAL-
I Figured a change of lifestyle would make me a better person, or so they sae.
-paradoxical-
I just fail to get people who thinks theyre so damn perfect. Whats the point of tyring to be WHEN your always gonna be 'almost' perfect. That, i noe for sure.
So here i am, feeling tired of my whole rendezvous at the arcade.(i rather call my job a rendezvous so it doesnt seem to be a i donnoe ..i cant seem to think of a word to describe boring and tiring.) I was waitin fer bee, and ive got some time to kill, so i decided to make full use of the time and it seemed like the longest walk of anybody's life but still it wasnt enough for me! No, walking at 20 cm every 2 second was just not slow enough for me. I WAS that! Tired. i noe its da weekend and its supposedly the countdown, and i am like the worst thing that could ever happen in a party. 10 years was how long it seemed the last time that i went to a party. well, who cares.
-end-
Homes a terrible, horrible, outrageous crib wit the screaming lady and the fiery kids. (that would be me and my bro) We are so disoriented that i have no idea just what we have in common. but still, were blood and nothing gonna bring us down. HAHAHA...hey part of me is dead. THe rooms are a mess, massive atomic typhoon exploded and shaken the whole unit of tgr #21-77. And the screaming lady screamed like she had never screamed in her screaming history. While the fiery kids Fired up internally and goes into a hypocritical seizure that shows in the absence of that lady. And so today was the day that once again, nothing had been done to stop the screaming lady and the kids...KEEP ON BURNIN'.
-END-
This paradoxical world was the best escape i had ever done. too tired now..my brainz overwerked.. ill rite again.ill try to rite again...ahakzzz..soon....chowz.
-paradoxical-
Ive spent these last few weeks figuring how im able to un my life in a cerain wae to show that i can be responsible as a person. Though am only 18...ive gotta create something for me to prove myself that i can be anybody that i wanna be with the blessings of my parents and god. So, the first thing that i did was i got nyself a job..i am schooling and working at the same time mind you..i ve never done this before. i donnoe was just thinking of giving my hard life a harder strive. I ve set ground rules for muhself... 1. Don be tied down by muh job 2. I ve gotta juggle work and study almost perfectly 3. still figuring out...hahaiz... Well oke, alomost there...well, actually not even halfwae there...but still im goin forward with my hmm..uhh..agenda? prolly... promise ill update soon..okie..i ll try to update soon. -paradoxicated- This few daes ive been thinking alot. About whats gonna happen to me, my family, my life, my bee.....And muh little baby nephew, Shaakir adam...the best thing that ever happened to my family. -Paradoxical-
Beats da hell outta me.....im freakin bored this daes i donnoe wads up wit me!! well prolly iv just been pretty low on life lately...dat im kinda getting sick of it...well..to a certain extend......
Anyhow...i m still freakin bored...i donnoe wad its gonna take for me to just get back wat i once had..oh well like desree once sang...life oh life... okaie..dat didnt fit at all... honestly..i wish i could have it all....but i noe its not possible..my friendz dis daez are almost total freaks...well..der are afew huz rather blunt...oh well wadever....whhakkzz...im bored of this!!!
well i guess...u juz gotta learn to accept some stuff that you could never change...lets start with my frenz...juz having to be born like dat..watta pity..but whatever..its your life...
still..i miss real friends..the only thing thats real right now are my family...well weve got bee too...mummyz having doubts of me being wit him...but oh well...i guess we'll have to see till his done with his NS....dude...ive got one more paper to go...and dats the beginning of my 1 mth break...so what can i get outta this 1 hole mth????? my sentiments exactly....i donnoe.....I just wish some one would tear down my insipid life..bring me away to a faraway land...lets cast aspersions on other people for fun..how about that for a change in my view of life...nuts...totally......unacceptable i noe but right....i still donnoe. juz like da title of this entry...i am still lost.......i donnoe nutz...!!!!!! EVEN ZILCH FEER THAT MATTER!!!!!!!!!
Aint riting bout that gig-alogy facts...its o so plain boring..and third holocaust..hes in jail..what more could i want..
-paradoxical-
He juz turned 14 and thinks he noes everything... well, i remembered the first time i felt like dat...wen i was 14..but now that im 18, i still dont feel like i quite knew everything yet. I m tokking bout my one and only younger B-R-O. Well of course its that age that he is in his most dysfunctional and confused state of mind. Haha..i noe what a thing to say rite.. but it is...! well, ive seen sons clinging onto their mothers like anything...untill theyre married...but he..this jerky assy wannabe..is pushing her literally out of his ife..and to think about it, hez only bloody hell turned 14! Aargh..is he experiencing the middle child syndrome? huakkszzz. but im the middle child!! ohh..kids!
You noe i wonder the grief of a mother when she noes how her son truly feels about her... juz a mere 'handwave' is all she got when she asked if she was love by him.. how cruel could he juz be. well, i never said i was the perfect child or daughter. But atleast i didnt screw ard bout her behind her back. have i? prolly when i was younger and dysfunctional...I SAID...PROLLY! BUT still, i didnt think what i did was ryte.. i wont defend myself for being like 'oh mother! could you shut up!' infact, i regret behaving in such a way....but how..does one really show how she truly cares?? i donnoe..prolly after retaliation sets in only then ill noe how i'll react. nope..i aint sooo keen on that part of motherhood.
-paradoxical-
But one thing will remain o sooooo true till i die...no matter how ive ever bbeeen mad and angry with her...i have never in my experience of rage that i actually said i didnt really love her..which is not true..i love her...its just its weird telling your mom 'i love you' in person.. but seems oh so easy on bee.. hakz.. latar.
I waited...almost pissed.... i was having second thoughts bout doing this...i was thinking..its my first time. wont it be weird? i was crying tomyself...why? why?..den..i saw two identical people walking towards me..and at that moment i knew.. there was no turning back..i had too....i had to do this...for us..to avoid being called the tyrant in this relationship.. So baby, For you..i'll grit my teeth and sae its okae..-end- We had a decent meal before makin our way to the gig...i saw many people... in different code dressings...i was trying to figure out where do i belong among the blacks? im wearing black too.. den i realised... i am just on my own..wit my bee...though his so near..i still, somehow, felt alone. On our wae there, we walked through back alley, quiet places...the haunted Capitol... i was glad it was Broad daylight and im with 5 other man in blacks too.... okay..well, theyre a band.. and i oh so happen to be the drummer's girlfren...Huakzz...honestly..i don really get th fits bout him being a drummer. so back to me.... wen we reached... i wasnt all excited and grinning wen we were buying the tix...i was kinda scanning thru among the crowd..desperately, hoping to see a familiar face.. but unfortunately..not gonna happen very soon. So i was 'choped'( i mean as in with this stamp thingie dat dey use in da banks fer ur thumbprints if u haddin gotta signature yet..) invisibly, on the top left wrist... and followed bee into this pitch black sorta studio like kinda room... so i showed the door people the wrist where they 'choped' me at..they shone it with dis UV light thing..and der it was.... i went like...ouhhh...cool...one thing im liking bout this gig oready.. DATs pathetic i noe..but its cool u noe! Anywae... i so refuse to let go of bee wen were der..i mean its not dat i wanna show off....but oh well, he is the drummer... haha..okok...I was in a strange land... and da metalheads in here are so way outta my league... fer a music lover...i havent really got the chance to appreciate wat theyre aleready in love with..so i thought as the malay proverb goes..'tak kenal maka tak cinta'.. so I figured...why not?.......while biting my nails... I went futher into the darkness amidst the unbearable loud noise...den i was struck with a sudden realisation...its da music..dats played at 1 million decibels in my head!! not noise...!! okae..so that was my first impression of my first metal gig.. wanna noe more..wait up fer my next entry.. soon...will i write more...and bout this thirdholocaust idiot..ill share with you..soon.. -paradoxical-
Today im a disrupt. I lost an mp3 player....aaa..not actually lost lah...it was sent far repair...:)
-end-
There were daes wen i tot to myself....could there ever be a better guy in my life? I donnoe...till todae, im contented and very happy. Never had anyone who made me happier than i already am. Sometimes i cant help but to get quite emotional wen i think about it. itll be devastating to wake up one day and realise no one's treating you like a princess anymore.
'My life is brilliant, my love is pure..i saw an angel of that im sure..'
An angel in disguised of a brutal head.....its ironic but its true. My bee...is an angel..even wen i have my darkest daes....hell stay serene on the surface..but underneath the serenity...lava boils....haha.
'You saw the best that was in me....lifted me up when i couldnt reach.you gave me faith coz you believe..'
My baby believes in me in whatever i do...even wen im having problems going to the toilet.. 'Ayang..berak lah.....' hahahahha.... i can...! my bowels are ok now... love can make me go to the toilet....huakkkzz huaakkkzz...
TILL now im still loving my bee......after 7 crappy months..i stood by al his brutallish nonsense!
BEE...BEE...monster ehh....
-paradoxical-
Todae had muh Amazing Race ALA Bishan....huakkzzwa....it was cool but we kinda cocked up at the 3rd station..and there were waeeee tooo many.. 'caught' points. Blueekk.!! But the end point is..we had a DARn Great time..!
Todae..we learned soo much..little did i knew that my class could gel up tremendously..Our team werk were superb i must sae.. Of coz theres the setbacks such as..cockiness,blurness and geting lost..actually we wernt lost Perse lost..we were just given da rong direction.....Pliakkz!! That was a setback right there...other than almost dying from severe dehydration and exhaustion.. we Persevered till the end...and we didnt give up! We just kept on going...despite the weather...supporting each other morally or physically definitely loads of Psychological changes had to be instilled in our heads wae before we even started the game.
HUakkz..huakzz...boo..hoohoo..THe Best NEWS ever..We came in last. Haha!!hey..but atleast now we know how big BISHAN is..hahahhaha...BLuekkss..
Running along now...got loads of preparation to do..progress tests coming up heaiisshhzzz...chowz....
-Paradoxical-
A passion some say is something you will always have aka forte. But when it doesnt coincide with your dreams...ur torn.. totally torn in between. Say a dream is to be a businesswoman, thats vertical thinking.Thats Practical, logical, matured. Say, a passion, an artist, designer, even a poet. Why not?one must say. But to me, What can i sae... a dream is a dream to acomplished. But a passion is a love to be turned into a hobby. Simply, i can afford to waste it all away though apart of me aches at the transformation. But could i afford to let things down again..NO idont, time is running out. One of them is in NJC the other one is in SP. But where do i land myself into? ITE...im fine....its just the stereotyping thats killing me. Look at the vast difference...could i even be compared to them? Let alone stand side by side. A lot to be proved wrong. Too many sins comited. But just so little time left. ITS hard to even swalow my pride still harder to speak about a failure. But still, my mere conceptions are wrong I KNOW. Its just something i have to live with. Honestly i wouldnt be able to make it without my bee. Hez been there, he was there, and now look at him, standing taller than ever. Still, nobody could be perfect. nope, not even the NJC kid or that down to earth Sp dude...Let alone this ITE girl. If it isnt a good thing fer me, in the ferst place i wouldnt even be here. Thats a smile rite there... i could smile again... Still not enough to put my head up. Too much to be undone. No, im not hoping to turn back time. Because no matter how much desperation i have. I have sworn to myself that i will only live for tomorrow. No more looking back, crying at how things could have been. Cuz, shez rite, some how... Everything happens for a reason. THis is probably the best for me. Someone has got to put up with the stereotype. I do. Ive never regretted anything outta this. Neither will i in the future, COz im a gerl, and for the obvious reasons. A girl just have got to have pride,honour, etiquette, sensibility, sensitivity and wit to cut off idiots. I could be that, all of that, but will that make me whole? NOpe. it wouldnt. but i noe god is fair. Coz even if i don have what theyve got. I noe its Vice versa for them. HEY... nobodys perfect..NOT that NJC kid or even that down to earth SP dude... NO one. Im just saying this to make myself feel better....its amazing though at how factual what ive said have become. -Paradoxical-
Its been like forever....since i last blogged..and the last time i didnt even wanna sae anithin...
-end-
Oready the 21st of june..yeap. started school yesterdae...got some cool classmates and the blur ones..well..i juz gotta blend in. what ive always been doing aniwae...well, kinda missed skool todae.. it was orientation n stuff, i wasnt into it..besides..i wldnt stand the heat wit muh 'migraine' heard it was fun n stuff..oso i dued my option form, that was important..
It was fun hearin from ain bout the diff kinds of cca theyre getting.. i wont have time fer any of it...i got muh os and i aint wasting money no more.. i really gotta do it... im kinda psyched fer it aniwae. well, ite life is kinda fun. You just gotta learn to noe ur priorities. well, i noe mine..and im not letting me waste it.
Tot that wen u dn go to skool nobody cares...haha..i was rong.. had my teacer kolled me up a few hrs ago regarding 'reprimandation'....and he kolled back agn...regarding reporting at 8 am.. means waking up like at 6?? haiz..okok...positive outlook.. 6 am? cool, im on it.
"IM NOT OK...." sorry, cldnt help it.. listening to my chemical romance.. n theyre kinda like my flavour of the month and many months to come! so is dashboard confessional.. :)
OUH..Me and bee gotten into a tiff n i cldnt help it..i cldnt scream at him..so i screamed at him VIA Msn... We met up and made up..we always do. and i love him fer making that possible.
-END-
Had a haircut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arghh..missing my long hair oready....haha. Watever for!!
I love my hair! !
Heard over the radio bout this blog competition.. i wonder how it werks? not like that i care...but just curious..NOPE! my blog's not fer public viewing!
Skools in fer mie...and i just gotta live it up, pick it up, and pull up muh sock
IF theres One thing i gotta hate bout ITE....its definitely the skool song... the person who rote that song has lost his or her credibility....ok, nowonder theyre doing lyrics fer a skool song. Hekz! IF i were to say, the skool song is such a cliche, oh wadd da hell am i saying, All skool songs are cliches!
-Pradoxical-
ITS HARD TO SAY THAT I WAS RONG, ITS HARD TO SAE I MISS YOU, SINCE UVE BEEN GONE, ITS NOT THE SAME..
-The Used, its hard to sae-
I don feel like saying anything about todae..its just dat...i m in regret, confusion and hate.
-Paradoxical-
Whats the werst that i can sae,
Things are better if i stay,
so long and goodnyte,
so long not goodnyte.
If You carry on this wae,
Things are better if i stay,
So long and goodnyte,
So long and goodnyte.
-
-My chemical Romance-
-helena-
Coz u channeled all ur pain,
And i cant help you fix urself,
and ur making me insane,
All i can sae is..
-
-Papa roach-
-Scars-
Coz im broken,
when im open,
and i don feel like i am strong enough..
-
-amy lee n seether-
-broken-
No i must be dreaming,
Its only on my mind,
not real life,
no i must be dreaming.
-
-evanessence-
-i must be dreaming-
As i was walking home just now...i had the longest thought through out the entire journey. I donnoe y but suddenly i just miss someone i never tot i wld miss. Mr Kuna. Now that wen i really gave it a tot...he had been the only teacher who had ever believed and had the conficence in me or for that matter prolly the only person.. even wen i really felt i didnt have any...i miss that. i really miss tat feeling that someone was counting on you.. someone really trusted you to do the job and you knew you could do it. you knew you were the right person to be approached..hakz..now..i donnoe who to believe anymore..all ive got is bee to have faith in me..but i doonoe y i dont really feel like i cld do things even wen bee believed in me... but Mr kuna...hez something you noe.
I remembered one time wen i let him down though..haha..he put me up fer this englisf speaking com dat i didnt noe nutthing bout. i rejected this profusely...he didnt gave up..he kept telling me im in and ive to go..but due to the lack of my own confidence.. i didnt went. till todae i still feel a tinge of guilt. haiz...sorrie cherr... shld hv just went and did my best. sorrie.
i donnoe y ive been doing so many self reflections nowadaes...but i love reflecting on my paradoxicated life though....its one of my hobbies. Bee.ur prolly my paradox too..hu knew..id end up wit someone like u...
But u'll just sit tight
and watch it unwind
Its only what ur asking for
and ull be fine
with all of ur time
its only what ur waiting for.
-vertical horizon,everything you want-
I love you monster...
-Paradoxical-
Name: PARADOX
Bdae: MARCH 87,22
Nicks: nahh..
Skool: College Central BIshan
Contact: fareshah@hotmail.com
Status: ATTACHED
[[*My Adores*]]
Food: SR CAKES
Drinks: Apple Juice
Pastimes: Blogging, Werkin, Shoppin, WINDOW Shop, Spend Money, Movies
People: MUMMY DADDY TOT BRO SIS SHAAKIR BB
[[*My Detests*]]
People: PATHTETIC DESPERATE PPL
Things: ......
Food: .......
[[*Music's Playing*]]
//visit Iwebmusic for music
[[*My Past Memories*]]
|May 2005|June 2005|July 2005|August 2005|September 2005|December 2005|January 2006|February 2006|March 2006|April 2006|May 2006|June 2006|July 2006|August 2006|November 2006|December 2006|March 2007
[[*The Conversations*]]
[[*My Friends*]]
|TOT|
BB MON MON|
SANE Aishah|
CRAZEE SERY|
|ICA GOCA|
My T|
Links|
Links|
|Links|
Links|
Links|
Links|
|Links|
Links|
Links|
Links|
[[*Credits*]]
|Ev0nE's World Of Emptyness|
|Ev0nE's Fairyland|
|Ev0nE's Tutorials|
|Blogskins|
|Blogger|